Life sucks. But thanks to alcohol, it can
actually be somewhat tolerable. However that all depends on what you
choose to drink during a given stressful situation. Make the right
choice and your mind can be filled with nothing but blue skies and
daffodils. But choose poorly and suddenly it can feel like a giant
swarm of bees came out of nowhere and attacked your face.
Thankfully for you, we’ve come up with the best alcohol pairings for
stress so you can put down that bottle of bug spray and start picking up
bottles with a much more desirable effect on your liver.
What happened to that “perfect angel” you gushed about on Facebook
2.6 seconds after he was born? Seems like he traded in those wings for a
pair of horns and a whole lot of red face paint doesn’t it? Between
the Are we there yet’s, the 376 daily MOMMMMMMYYYYY’s,
and the 1-star Yelp reviews of your parenting skills while sprawled
out on the floor in Walmart, kids know how to make your blood pressure
go through the roof faster than Willy Wonka’s elevator.
That’s why we suggest pairing your kid’s meltdown with a nice glass of scotch.
The warm, smooth texture of a good scotch is the perfect counterbalance
to the those bone chilling screams of “I HATE YOU!” and “I’M GOING TO
FIND MY REAL DAD!” Just sit back, take a few sips, and then calmly
remind the brat that you are his real dad by showing him the positive pregnancy test your wife has kept in the medicine cabinet for 9 years.
Speaking of which…
Remember when you assured your partner that you’d pull out in time
when instead it turned out you had less “rhythm” than a deaf one-armed
drummer?
Seeing that plus sign for the first time can be some scary shit.
Crazy thoughts immediately start racing around your head like some sort
of emotional NASCAR event. How am I going to pay for this kid on
my Arby’s salary? It’s 2015, why don’t time machines exist yet? Do
they really make shampoo out of the placenta and if so, will the
hospital wrap it up in a doggie bag for me to take home?
The good news is you have 9 whole months to sort all those questions out, which means you also have 9 months worth of drinking to do. And to help, we suggest pairing an unexpected pregnancy with cheap tequila.
Ironically
the same drink that probably got you into this situation, will also
help you cope with it as tequilas like Jose Cuervo have the perfect
ability to make you pass out and forget about your troubles when you
need to most.
It’s the fundamental right of parents and in-laws to work toward
ruining your life. Whether it’s giving you unsolicited advice about
your slob of a husband (not talking about me of course) or blaming a thunderstorm on Obama, these family members really know how to get under your skin.
In this situation you need to get as much alcohol flowing through your veins as possible, but not so much that your mother-in-law has to drive you to the hospital to get your stomach pumped because you’d never hear the end of it.
So we suggest pairing parental/in-law visits with a box of wine.
It’s cheap, still has around 14% alcohol, and you can chug it like a boss.
You walk into the break room at work fresh off a 3 hour, 217 slide
PowerPoint presentation. Thoughts of quitting on the spot and becoming a
carnival barker race through your head. Your energy level is
dangerously low. You need sugar and you need it now. You saw the email
announcing the availability of free donuts, but as you approach the box
all you see are the greasy remains of what used to be glorious rings of
cake and frosting. This only drives your heart rate up even further
and forces you to utter certain words that might be deemed a little
NSFW.
In this instance, it’s perfectly acceptable to rage and you should pair your anger with a beverage that won’t seek to quell it but actually augment it. That’s why we suggest pairing rage over an empty donut box with beer.
But
not just any beer. It can’t be one of those expensive, craft
micro-brews, for this is no time to act like a snob. It needs to go
down quickly like water and actually taste like it too so you can
immediately start throwing shit and challenging everyone in your path to
a fight. Luckily your local supermarket is full of low cost options
that rival the quality of monkey piss. And since you’ll probably get
fired, all that money you saved can go toward buying your own Krispy
Kremes.
Sure, running a fantastic humor website like The Plaid Parrot looks
easy, but it’s actually a lot of hard work. Every week I spend hours
staring at the ceiling wondering how that piece of ham got stuck up
there and also what topics I should write about. (The ham story is
coming out later.) Often times the excitement of finally having a
brilliant idea pop into my head is quickly replaced with the sound of
sad trombones when I discover that BuzzFeed covered the same topic 2 years ago.
But I can’t just give up and quit. How else would the 6 people that read this site soldier on?
That’s why I’ve paired my writing with moonshine.
Sorta,
technically illegal, a good moonshine burns when it goes down which is
probably those closest I’ll get to metaphorically “lighting a fire under
my ass” and coming through with another hilariously stupid piece.
It’s how this story got written and pretty much everything else with my
name on it.
This probably stings just a tiny bit more than that shot going down your throat.
KIDS
I told you – NO MORE FUCKING APPLE SAUCE IN MY LUNCHBOX, BITCH!
That’s why we suggest pairing your kid’s meltdown with a nice glass of scotch.
The warm, smooth texture of a good scotch is the perfect counterbalance
to the those bone chilling screams of “I HATE YOU!” and “I’M GOING TO
FIND MY REAL DAD!” Just sit back, take a few sips, and then calmly
remind the brat that you are his real dad by showing him the positive pregnancy test your wife has kept in the medicine cabinet for 9 years.Speaking of which…
FINDING OUT SHE’S PREGNANT
Yes, let’s…uh…celebrate!
No, we’re not talking about you.
The good news is you have 9 whole months to sort all those questions out, which means you also have 9 months worth of drinking to do. And to help, we suggest pairing an unexpected pregnancy with cheap tequila.
Ironically
the same drink that probably got you into this situation, will also
help you cope with it as tequilas like Jose Cuervo have the perfect
ability to make you pass out and forget about your troubles when you
need to most.PARENTS & IN-LAWS
What? You don’t want me to stay with you for 6 months? Fine, I’ll sleep in the car. Somehow. It’s a Fiat you know.
In this situation you need to get as much alcohol flowing through your veins as possible, but not so much that your mother-in-law has to drive you to the hospital to get your stomach pumped because you’d never hear the end of it.
So we suggest pairing parental/in-law visits with a box of wine.
It’s cheap, still has around 14% alcohol, and you can chug it like a boss.
FINDING OUT SOMEONE ATE THE LAST DONUT
This. means. war.
In this instance, it’s perfectly acceptable to rage and you should pair your anger with a beverage that won’t seek to quell it but actually augment it. That’s why we suggest pairing rage over an empty donut box with beer.
But
not just any beer. It can’t be one of those expensive, craft
micro-brews, for this is no time to act like a snob. It needs to go
down quickly like water and actually taste like it too so you can
immediately start throwing shit and challenging everyone in your path to
a fight. Luckily your local supermarket is full of low cost options
that rival the quality of monkey piss. And since you’ll probably get
fired, all that money you saved can go toward buying your own Krispy
Kremes.TRYING TO WRITE FUNNY ARTICLES EVERY WEEK
Oh, hi!
But I can’t just give up and quit. How else would the 6 people that read this site soldier on?
That’s why I’ve paired my writing with moonshine.
Sorta,
technically illegal, a good moonshine burns when it goes down which is
probably those closest I’ll get to metaphorically “lighting a fire under
my ass” and coming through with another hilariously stupid piece.
It’s how this story got written and pretty much everything else with my
name on it.Comments
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