You're The Worst
1. “I just don’t think I have the same stamina for travelling anymore. Last month I went to Paris and after the first week I was exhausted.”
Sarcastic response: “That sucks! What are you going to do? Are you going to have to limit your Paris trips to six days? The horror!!”
2. “I was really hoping to travel for a year after graduating, but job offers like this one don’t come around every day. Looks like I’ll be starting the #9to5grind!”
Sarcastic response: Express the appropriate level of enthusiasm, then let this handsome, cheeky British man (aka Jimmy from You’re The Worst) do the talking:
3. “Ugh I was so lazy this week. I only went to the gym four times instead of my usual five.”
Sarcastic response: “Yeah totally. I was going to tell the exact same story, but I didn’t want you to think I was being super annoying and humblebragging or something.”
4. “I bought a homeless man lunch today. He was so happy he started crying and telling me that I’m the kindest person he’s met in a long time. Really makes you appreciate what you have.”
Sarcastic response: “That is so great. So great. You’ve actually been nominated for a ‘Good Samaritan’ award. Yeah, it’s between you and Mother Teresa.”
5. “It’s such a bummer that I can’t dance to ‘Single Ladies’ now that I’m engaged!”
Sarcastic response: Smile politely, then remind them what a good asset their ring will be should they ever need to make a quick exit. Or you could just have this badass (aka Gretchen from You’re The Worst) tell them for you:
6. “It’s so hard to find someone that likes me for my personality. All anyone ever compliments me on is my body.”
Sarcastic Response: “Seriously. Attractive people have the worst lives. I honestly don’t know how you cope. It must be that fantastic personality you also have. It keeps you grounded.”
7. “My date tonight is sooo attractive, I’m going to be too nervous to speak!”
Sarcastic Response: “I’ve actually heard that conversation is overrated. Just try not speaking at all. In fact, let’s go ahead and start that now.”
8. “I feel so sick, I think it’s because I’ve been working such long hours on this presentation.”
Sarcastic response: Subtly let them know you see right through their excuses. Feel free to steal some lines from Jimmy while you’re at it:
9. “Living in a big house can be SUCH a hassle. I had to search through like five rooms before I found my good iPhone charger.”
Sarcastic Response: “That IS the worst! It’s super easy to find things in my studio apartment. Everything’s so cramped; I can pretty much search the entire place in five steps or less. In fact, if I were to search for any f*cks to give you, it would only take like two seconds to know that I’m completely out!”
10. “Everyone says I have a natural talent for teaching, so I guess I’m heading to grad school rather than accepting that job!”
Sarcastic response: Give them all your condolences—er, congratulations—by saying how awesome it is that they’re basically reliving undergrad, sans fun. Or just copy this:
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Friday, August 28, 2015
10 Perfect, Sarcastic Responses To Annoying Humblebrags
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